Keep chasing those dreams.

Sometimes, dreams come to an end. They may die a natural death, and sometimes they get trampled upon and choked to death by others. Sometimes, shit simply happens.
For whatever reason it may be, the end of a dream is always painful. But some dreams can be ressurrected, and sometimes the death of a dream leaves for another one to come to life.

When I was 14-15-16 years old, I wanted to become Make-up Artist-Hairdresser-Stylist. But my mother cut short my ambitions, saying that that was not a profession for a christian. And that I should learn something that would prepare me to be a wife and mother.

Fast forward.

After having been fired as a pastor, I have now also been given notice by the seminary where I used to teach: my services are no longer wanted, the reason being that I have come out as lesbian, am married to a trans woman; LGBTQ+ persons are not welcome and the fear is that donators may be lost if a LGBTQ+ person is amongst the teachers. I had hoped for better, and especially, for a more open dialogue. But just as with the church I used to work for, it didn’t happen.

Continue reading “Keep chasing those dreams.”

Remember the lost 2019

Whisper their names gently with love and grief
And shout their names from the rooftops with anger

Still today

screams of pain

3314 lives lost
from 2008 until today

For being who they are,
living their truth in beauty,
trans-cending the imposed limits of their beings

Whisper their names gently with love and grief
And shout their names from the rooftops with anger

Mourn their lives
Then, be a light
who fights the darkness of hatred
for each life hurt or lost
is a whole world that disappears
is one stars less that shines brightly in the sky
a diamond of infinite worth that disappears

Let us protect each other
protect and love our siblings
protect our youth
Protect trans women of color

All are
shining stars.

Endings and new beginnings

“Nobody wants a broken child”. I was watching TV, and a six-year old girl had been admitted to hospital in that show. She was living with foster parents, had hadn’t told them anything about her pain for fear fear of being sent back to the orphanage because “nobody wants a broken child”. She got something for her stomach pain, and the parents told her that the adoption had just been approved. Happy ending.

“Nobody wants a broken child” – and in some places, there is no room for”broken people”. Or rather, people people that have been defined as being broken, unfit, ‘other’ etc by those in charge, those in power.

Besides working as a preacher and pastor for many, many years, I also taught Biblical Wisdom literature in the ANE context and intro to Judaism in a theological seminary. After coming out and getting pushed out of my job as a pastor, the seminary said that they would decide about my case in “given time”. On my side, despite a glimmer of hope, I didn’t have too much hope: there are things and decisions that are predictable, and there are people for whom there is no room in certain places and institutions – it is that simple at its core.

Despite not being surprised by the decision, it still came like a smack in my face, a not so gentle reminder of all that has happened during the last year and of the things that are over. It is the final cut with the evie world, making me effectively an Exvangelical by all means.

What it is not, however, is a cut in my relationship with God or my faith. God does not depend on whether other people think that I’m broken or unfit, doesn’t care about whether other people think that I can’t speak about their word because I’m lesbian, intersex or non-binary.

It also won’t hinder my plans for the future: become self-employed and offer LGBTQIA-affirming counseling (psychological and spiritual direction), writing & photography workshops that foster exploration and affirmation of identity and orientation, as well as being a celebrant and offer not only weddings funerals, but also transition ceremonies, self-marriages and all sorts of things.

Because as painful endings may be, they can turn into something positive and fruitful if I use them as a springboard for something new: a new beginning.

And if something comes to an end for you, or has ended, I wish you wonderful and blessed new beginnings as well.


Could be the title for a movie, a series, or even a game, right? Well, let me tell you: I’m on a quest for God.

I grew up much without religion: no church or synagogue, or anything else until my mother converted to christianity and I experienced a kind of culture shock when I was thrown into the bath of a Toronto-blessing avid pentecostal church community with megachurch ambitions.

Not everything there was bad, but a lot was surprising, strange, and I somehow didn’t fit in – though I tried my best to do so. With my mother we went to another christian community alongside that one, and both together made for an astonishing mix of teachings – and unfortunately I’d say, for the most part, quite an unhealthy one.

Continue reading “Godhunter”

Be yourself, become yourself, love yourself.

I’ve come a long ways to become who I am today. And I know there still is some work to do. I’m a work in progress.

Throughout the years I’ve been conforming to what has been expected from me. I tried my best to be everything that was expected from me, be it in regard to societal norms, religious norms and family. The result was often that I put myself -even forced myself- into boxes that often didn’t fit, be it in the short or the long run. What happened was that after a certain amount of time, I broke out of the box – only to shove myself back into it again. I was thinking out of the box – but living out of it was unthinkable for quite some time. And so the cycle continued for years.

I broke out of the cycle only recently – and with recently, I mean about a year ago. For me, it was a sudden, radical event; for others, it can be gentle, subtle, bit by bit.

Continue reading “Be yourself, become yourself, love yourself.”

Let’s talk about body image.

We all have bodies. And they come in all shapes, sizes, colors, genders (or lack thereof) and other markers that might be important for the one or other person.

And those bodies are subjected to a whole lot.

There are those beauty ideals, standards, to which we are supposed to conform to in order to appear successful, loveable, desireable, beautiful, handsome, healthy, likeable, to have worth or not – for some some it even goes down to to judging someone to be worth being alive or not (ever heard those really crude jokes and remarks about fat or disabled people? No? Lucky you!). One would first think about women being subjected to this, and yes they are – but men, too suffer. Stereotypes are everywhere, and remarks, jokes, shame sometimes name calling don’t help with building a positive body image and being confident with ourselves, no matter what we look like.

Continue reading “Let’s talk about body image.”