From T to no T – masculine, feminine, and everything inbetween and beyond

In my last post I was musing about whether I was going to microdose testosterone or not. And even though the matter has been taken out of my hands in some ways, I have advanced in my reflections thanks to discussing the matter with my psychologist, also meditating on it on my own.

I asked myself, why do I think I feel the need to take T? Obviously, because there is this masculine part of me that is important to me. Expressing that, and feeling my masculinity makes me feel secure, safe and strong. It makes me feel grounded within myself and protected, and far less vulnerable.

And there is my feminine side which of course I do not want to deny, but that I did not know what to do with, and that I came to feel more and more uneasy with. But why actually?

Of course, I have always had these two parts to me, like two sides of a coin that together make one. But what is the problem with my feminity? Why has it become more difficult over time not to accept it, but to express it?

Continue reading “From T to no T – masculine, feminine, and everything inbetween and beyond”

Partners in Transition

When one partner in a relationship transitions, actually both transition. It is a challenging, but beautiful time, and the one can be a catalyst for the other in a beautiful and enrichening way.

In May 2018, at the very end of the month, my wife (whom I had thought to be my husband of 20 years) finally realized and awakened to her true self, the person she was always meant to be but could never express – neither in words, thoughts, nor actions. There had been fleeting stolen moments of happiness, tiny sparse hidden islands of release, unexplained – but the breaktrough, the realization only happened on that tuesday in may, a late afternoon in a therapists office.

That tuesday afternoon was the starting point of a whole new life for the two of us. What to do, where to go, whom to inform, which direction to take, at which pace?

Stay together or not? That was a question I did not ask myself. It was a question that others from the outside asked me, presuming that I wouldn’t want to live together with a trans woman, or that, once the transition “done”, she would choose a man. Another question that regularly came up immediately was the one about me, whether I would now automatically “become a man”, to continue the traditional heteronormative couple. If I still had hair, I’d have ripped it out out each time…

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Trans is Beautiful

Trans is beautiful

like the first rays of the sun glistening on the drops of dew

like a flower opening to show its beauty

like a butterfly breaking free from its cocoon

like the brilliant facets of a freshly polished diamond

like a young bird learning to fly

Trans is beautiful

Trans is strong

Trans is precious

Trans is unique

Trans is wonderful



to bring out the true handsome beautiful self

in every creatively possible way


to bring about what was always meant to be,

what has always been,

buried and alive, deep in heart & soul

Trans is beautiful

Trans is handsome

Trans is precious

Trans is blessed

Trans is LOVE.


my ancestors were slaves on cotton fields
my ancestors were slaves doing the capoeira in the heat
my ancestors were those who were deported to the camps,
were those who were converted by force yet still called pigs

under the mantle of the new religion forced upon,
old traditions were kept alive
black skin reminiscent of dark rich soil
and songs without words to tell thousand stories

from the blood, sweat and tears new life sprang
that the oppressor couldn’t squelch,
that the chambers could not gas

let a new niggun rise from my heart
let my feet move to the drumbeat coming from the heart of the motherland
where the lioness hunts

a new song, my song
a new dance, my dance
my heart is my drum
and forms the lines of my niggun

not ashamed anymore
women loving
here for my siblings
jewish person of color

Non-binary journey

I was born in Germany and spent my first 12 years with my grandparents.

My grandparents had typical ideas about gender-specific roles that often bothered me. People often wanted me to play with dolls, but most of these typical girl activities did not interest me: mostly I wanted to play with cars or cops and robbers with the boys. I felt good with the boys, like I was “one of them” – it was never like that with the girls, it was always kind of unnatural.

When growing up, it was similar. While many of my classmates were interested in fashion, makeup and the like, I found it more exciting to recognize cars by the sound of the engine. Of course I also liked some of the more “female” activities like baking, cooking, reading and drawing. But often, when I said stuff like “I would like to build a model train / model airplanes / a chemistry kit” I was told over and over: “That’s not possible, you’re a girl, and and those are for boys”.

This division into male / female bothered me a lot: why, for what? Why not both? Why choose? There was a feeling of something not being right.

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Non-binary, what?

Coming to gender, I identify as non-binary. If I’d be asked what being non-binary means to me, I’d be hard-pressed to answer.

I haven’t really thought about it so far, and putting words on the experience, and accepting it, is more or less new to me. Being so not so much actually. I’ve never quite fitted traditional female gender roles that I’ve been expected to fit in, even though I tried to make myself fit to please my grandparents, my mother, the religious community and pressures. And yet, even when I was still younger, my grandpa always called me “Mannweib”, which is actually a pretty derogatory term for a woman who may be strong but is more of a mix between a man and a woman. I hated that. But there was something true to it.

Because there’s always been that masculine part within me that I rejected more and more, sometimes getting quite angry about it and trying to be super-feminine at times even though it didn’t fit me. At some point, just slowly, I started to try and just be me, just be myself. Even though when I first completely shaved my head it was linked to disease and medication side effects, I started to like the look and it was sort of a liberation.

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Of gender.

What makes a woman a “real woman”, feminine? (I actually shudder at this question and am a bit at a loss). There are of course expectations and gender norms coming from religion, society, culture (going from character traits, behavior, looks to gender expression etc) to which one can correspond or not to varying degrees resulting oftentimes in a jugement of how feminine or womanly one is or not? What is your take?

Actually, I am not really asking myself this question – not anymore. It just came up recently in various discussions: with friends, acquaintances, and even with family.

When I was a girl and a teen and still living with my grandparents, my grandpa would often call me “Mannweib”. I looked up the term and it actually comes from androgynous, but the fact is that it is a rather derogatory term that denotes albeit a strong woman, but a woman that looks, is, and behaves like a man, much more and much stronger than a Tomboy – a manly woman, not really a woman.

Continue reading “Of gender.”