To T or not to T

On February 25 I have an appointment with an endocrinologist to talk about the possibility of testosterone microdosing for me in order to masculinize my appearance in several aspects and lower my voice (more marked facial features, muscles, body fat distribution… ) – but in no case do I want to look like a man or be a man – because simply, I am not. More body hair ugh – that’s something I’d rather not – no thanks. But you can’t pick and choose.

But I do have doubts now, second thoughts.
Why do I feel the need to do this?

During my 2 months stay in the clinic, I felt perfectly comfortable in my body, with no desire or need for testosterone. Whenever I thought about it, my answer was “no”. Yes, once or twice I put on my binder and it felt great – but that was it. I felt pretty good and confident as I was, as I am.

So why has it changed since I got home again, and why was it different before I went there? And what was different over there?

Continue reading “To T or not to T”

No-resolution Resolution

I like to say that New Year’s resolutions are not really my thing. But maybe they are.

The first thing I saw upon waking up on New Year’s Day with my cat looking into my eyes. He then started talking to me and placed his paw on my cheek. (I like to imagine that it’s because he loves me, but I suppose he wanted something to eat haha – or probably both “hey sweetheart, I love you, but could you fix me a bowl of tuna now?”) I’m so grateful for this furry guy who with his silly antics, gentleness and soft fur warms and lightens up even the dullest days. He’s my best buddy and has been a life saver.

I slept on the sofa, and so did he. And looked at me in the morning.

And there are more things that I am grateful for.

My beautiful wife who, through her transition, is becoming more and more herself and is transforming like from a caterpillar into butterfly, or a rose that that time to grow, get its color and finally open and diffuse its perfume. Through the road may not have been all easy, it is a rewarding one, and one that has been both challenging and enrichening for me. Not only she changed and became, in a way, a whole new person, but me too – I learned things about myself as I set off on my own journey of transformation.

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From one year to another

This year has been as long as any other year – at least when it comes to the number of its days. Yet, in other ways, it feels like it has been almost twice at long – at least at certain moments.

There has been the loss of my job as pastor in a Mennonite church which marked me. Actually, it was less the loss of the workplace than the treatment received at the hands of those who call themselves “followers of Christ”. Whilst I can easily conceive and understand difficulties in theology, for me, such differences can never serve as an excuse to silence, denigrate and insult someone. The refusal of any kind of dialogue and not being able to be heard -and thus being without voice- was especially hard for me.

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Keep chasing those dreams.

Sometimes, dreams come to an end. They may die a natural death, and sometimes they get trampled upon and choked to death by others. Sometimes, shit simply happens.
For whatever reason it may be, the end of a dream is always painful. But some dreams can be ressurrected, and sometimes the death of a dream leaves for another one to come to life.

When I was 14-15-16 years old, I wanted to become Make-up Artist-Hairdresser-Stylist. But my mother cut short my ambitions, saying that that was not a profession for a christian. And that I should learn something that would prepare me to be a wife and mother.

Fast forward.

After having been fired as a pastor, I have now also been given notice by the seminary where I used to teach: my services are no longer wanted, the reason being that I have come out as lesbian, am married to a trans woman; LGBTQ+ persons are not welcome and the fear is that donators may be lost if a LGBTQ+ person is amongst the teachers. I had hoped for better, and especially, for a more open dialogue. But just as with the church I used to work for, it didn’t happen.

Continue reading “Keep chasing those dreams.”


Feeling so fragile today
my body is mine and not mine,
revolting and amazing at the same time

Today it is more revolting
And the efforts of reconciliation are vain
masculine, feminine, in between
or nothing –

My masculine security
trying to embrace my feminine fragility

What seemed like a good idea in the beginning
feels like a failure,
almost a disaster now

I’m feeling so fragile today
like everything is coming apart
I need something to hold myself together
I need that Binder magic today
instant relief
like a deep breath of oxygen
that calms the pain that is almost physical

Dysphoria, won’t you leave me alone
sweet euphoria, when will you come?

Binder, do your magic –
I don’t want to feel fragile today…

Remember the lost 2019

Whisper their names gently with love and grief
And shout their names from the rooftops with anger

Still today

screams of pain

3314 lives lost
from 2008 until today

For being who they are,
living their truth in beauty,
trans-cending the imposed limits of their beings

Whisper their names gently with love and grief
And shout their names from the rooftops with anger

Mourn their lives
Then, be a light
who fights the darkness of hatred
for each life hurt or lost
is a whole world that disappears
is one stars less that shines brightly in the sky
a diamond of infinite worth that disappears

Let us protect each other
protect and love our siblings
protect our youth
Protect trans women of color

All are
shining stars.