No-resolution Resolution

I like to say that New Year’s resolutions are not really my thing. But maybe they are.

The first thing I saw upon waking up on New Year’s Day with my cat looking into my eyes. He then started talking to me and placed his paw on my cheek. (I like to imagine that it’s because he loves me, but I suppose he wanted something to eat haha – or probably both “hey sweetheart, I love you, but could you fix me a bowl of tuna now?”) I’m so grateful for this furry guy who with his silly antics, gentleness and soft fur warms and lightens up even the dullest days. He’s my best buddy and has been a life saver.

I slept on the sofa, and so did he. And looked at me in the morning.

And there are more things that I am grateful for.

My wife who, through her transition, is becoming more and more herself and is transforming like the caterpillar into the butterfly. Through the road may not have been all easy, it is a rewarding one, and one that has been both challenging and enrichening for me. Not only she changed and became, in a way, a whole new person, but me too – I learned things about myself as I set off on my own journey of transformation.

Our children. Our children are our treasures. No, not everything has been easy, but there also has been laughter, discussions, good times. And they are our first allies, and are as crazy as me *grin*

Friends. There have been heavy losses, yes. But maybe that what looks like a loss was only a filter. Those that are left now, they are the real friends. Those who stick to me, knowing ME. And the one or other friendship might not have developed as much, grown so deeply without all that has happened before. I can be open and honest with them, and people, and can gain new friends for me new, real self.

So what do I want from this new, still fresh year?

I want it to be a year of growth, a year of truth.

I want to become more myself, and be true to myself. I am intersex and non-binary-trans. I have finally found throughout the last year an internal sense of self that I feel good and comfortable with.  I want to bring, or align my whole being (body, mind & soul) with that sense of self so that I’ll be in harmony with myself. More self-care is also important, and something I have to learn better. I’m pretty ok at taking care of others, but not so much myself. Self-care can take so many faces: eating better, sports, taking time for things I like, a good cup of tea…

Embracing my new career. I want to do that by going to that Professional School, and keep renovating a part of our house to get closer to my goal of self-employment. I have a project that will be (hopefully) of service to the community, and where I can use my gifts and can truthfully and completely be myself (ideally everybody should be able to be that).

And I would like to grow in my relationships – with those around me (first of all my beloved and my kids), and then with the Divine. The relationship with the latter was somewhat suspended since having been kicked out from church & seminary. It is not so much that I lost my faith, but that I did not know how to access it. So many things hurt, or were just numb. I still believed, and still believe in a God of love and grace for all, but I didn’t know which lens, which narrative to employ, which prayer to pray. I was a Christian minister. I am of Jewish origin. Do I stick with the former, do I return to the latter, or none? I still don’t have the answers, and maybe there is no definite answer. But I know that I love God, and that for God, each of us is precious and unique, exactly the way we are. None of us are a mistake. We are all beautiful. We are all handsome. Worth more than diamonds. The fact that some are blind to it doesn’t change that.

So with that in mind, I want to go into the new year with a positive and determined mindset.

And I wish all the best to You as well, and send you much Love and Blessings, and Strength along your way!

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