Just yesterday it happened again. It was not the first time. And it certainly will not be the last time. But it is tiring, every time around.
I speak about a certain kind of cis-het christian asking, no, inquiring about how we, queer people, reconcile our “lifestyle” with the teachings of the Bible. Ever so often, this question is more than just a simple, innocent question to gain some insight: often, it carries an implicit judgment – your lifestyle cannot be reconciled with the Bible, right? Come on, defend yourself.
And so the Bible gets turned into a weapon, something it was never intended to be. And first of all, it is not our job to educate those who don’t agree with us. So much has been written and done already by authors and theologian for which I’ll forever be grateful, so many sources are available readily for those are truly looking for answers that it is not our job to do that work.
I have harbored to dream of doing drag for quite some time – well before the show “Queen of Drags” arrived over here on our screens.
Queen? King? Both? Tranimal? Clown? Camp? Diva? Goth? The possibilities are seemingly endless. Some would say that as a person who was assigned female at birth (afab), I can in no way be a Drag Queen – only a Drag King, if I want to do Drag. To that I say bs -drag is for everyone – for reasons I will name later. And, as we are at it, I am genderqueer and intersex: where do you draw the line as to who is male or female enough to perform or not which category of drag? Does one need a penis to be a Drag Queen? So what about trans men? Drag is for everyone who wants to bring their specific flavor to it.
In my last post I was musing about whether I was going to microdose testosterone or not. And even though the matter has been taken out of my hands in some ways, I have advanced in my reflections thanks to discussing the matter with my psychologist, also meditating on it on my own.
I asked myself, why do I think I feel the need to take T? Obviously, because there is this masculine part of me that is important to me. Expressing that, and feeling my masculinity makes me feel secure, safe and strong. It makes me feel grounded within myself and protected, and far less vulnerable.
And there is my feminine side which of course I do not want to deny, but that I did not know what to do with, and that I came to feel more and more uneasy with. But why actually?
Of course, I have always had these two parts to me, like two sides of a coin that together make one. But what is the problem with my feminity? Why has it become more difficult over time not to accept it, but to express it?
On February 25 I have an appointment with an endocrinologist to talk about the possibility of testosterone microdosing for me in order to masculinize my appearance in several aspects and lower my voice (more marked facial features, muscles, body fat distribution… ) – but in no case do I want to look like a man or be a man – because simply, I am not. More body hair ugh – that’s something I’d rather not – no thanks. But you can’t pick and choose.
But I do have doubts now, second thoughts. Why do I feel the need to do this?
During my 2 months stay in the clinic, I felt perfectly comfortable in my body, with no desire or need for testosterone. Whenever I thought about it, my answer was “no”. Yes, once or twice I put on my binder and it felt great – but that was it. I felt pretty good and confident as I was, as I am.
So why has it changed since I got home again, and why was it different before I went there? And what was different over there?
I like to say that New Year’s resolutions are not really my thing. But maybe they are.
The first thing I saw upon waking up on New Year’s Day with my cat looking into my eyes. He then started talking to me and placed his paw on my cheek. (I like to imagine that it’s because he loves me, but I suppose he wanted something to eat haha – or probably both “hey sweetheart, I love you, but could you fix me a bowl of tuna now?”) I’m so grateful for this furry guy who with his silly antics, gentleness and soft fur warms and lightens up even the dullest days. He’s my best buddy and has been a life saver.
And there are more things that I am grateful for.
My beautiful wife who, through her transition, is becoming more and more herself and is transforming like from a caterpillar into butterfly, or a rose that that time to grow, get its color and finally open and diffuse its perfume. Through the road may not have been all easy, it is a rewarding one, and one that has been both challenging and enrichening for me. Not only she changed and became, in a way, a whole new person, but me too – I learned things about myself as I set off on my own journey of transformation.
This year has been as long as any other year – at least when it comes to the number of its days. Yet, in other ways, it feels like it has been almost twice at long – at least at certain moments.
There has been the loss of my job as pastor in a Mennonite church which marked me. Actually, it was less the loss of the workplace than the treatment received at the hands of those who call themselves “followers of Christ”. Whilst I can easily conceive and understand difficulties in theology, for me, such differences can never serve as an excuse to silence, denigrate and insult someone. The refusal of any kind of dialogue and not being able to be heard -and thus being without voice- was especially hard for me.